Monday, July 23, 2007

Am I a freak? Or a snob? Or just a parent?

I have never seen a Die Hard Movie. A Pirates of the Caribbean movie (but I have seriously been on the ride at least 6 times. I love the sing-a-long toward the end) A Batman Movie. An X-Men movie. The only Star Wars Movies I saw in the theater were in 1977 & 1979. I have never seen any of the others. I have never read any Harry Potter books. I saw only snippets of the Spiderman movies on HBO. I did see Shrek 1 on DVD. I also saw all of the Lord of the Rings Movies with a friend but was not moved (generally I don't like fantasy movies). The Matrix: Never seen them. I saw the first Jurassic park but none since then. And most happily, I never saw "Dick Tracy."

That said, I have never seen most of Fassbinder's, Herzog's, Bergaman's, Kurasowa's, Fellini's, or even Powell & Pressburger's movies.

Hopefully country life will allow me to catch up on my culture, pop and otherwise.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

A Present to send Michael Vick

I found this on line yesterday.

Officially licensed Atlanta Falcons dog jersey. Usually ships next business day! All 32 NFL teams available. Let your dog show their team spirit on gameday. Our line of NFL dog jerseys are a touchdown and a 2-point conversion!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Help me on this

I worked a shift at the co-op today & 2 customers bought a single roll of toilet paper.

I do not understand why anyone, even if they lived alone and were forever constipated, would only purchase one roll at a time. It's a mystery.

Most expensive pee ever (and I didn't even pee)

Most of you have heard the tragicomic news about our flight to Florida for my father's 70th birthday party. For those who haven't...

The plane was initially delayed about 90 minutes, which is the norm these days, especially with Delta. While the plane was taxiing to the runway, Grace decided she needed to use the loo. As we were 20th for takeoff (no lie) Srah dragged her off. After she had been in the loo for about a minute, the pilot came on and said that this was an active taxiway & people had to be in their seats or else the plane could not move. About 20 seconds later, they come barrelling out of the toilet & rush back to their seats, and Grace exclaims in a very loud voice, "But mommy we didn't wash our hands!"

About 2 hours into the flight, she exclaims she needs to pee again & clearly it is my turn to take her. She pees with no difficulty & as I bend over to pull up her trousers, she flushes the loo & my still under warranty 80 Gig I-Pod falls directly out of my shirt pocket and into the swirling blue bowl, headphones trailing. I make a futile attempt to grab it before it disappears to no avail. I shriek some mild obscenity, which puts Grace into a panic and she begins wailing, which is what probably calmed me down so quickly.

On the return flight, after she peed, I picked her up, closed the lid then stood her on it, and was able to pull up her trousers very easily. Hindsight truly is 20-20.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Secretary Chertoff & his Gut

Dept. of Homeland Security (I feel like that is a Nazi Germany title every time I see it) Secretary Michael Chertoff just announced to the world that he has a "gut feeling" that we will be hit by "the terrorists" this summer.

We have added a new color to the chart of homeland security warnings: bile.

In all seriousness, how is this man still in charge of ANYTHING after making a comment like that? What do all of the nation's police forces & first responders do with that information? Think about it: The person charged with the entire domestic security apparatus of the United States just happens to think his stomach is telling him we will be attacked. No facts, no intelligence to share. These people are destroying this country worse than any "terrorist" could ever hope to.

Monday, July 09, 2007

The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword

Friday was Grace's 3rd birthday, and an afternoon party was planned. Around one-ish, Sarah asked my sister Jen to help Grace wind down in her room for a little quiet time. The idea of an actual nap ahead of the festivities was remote at best, as she was pretty wound up, especially after getting her new dollhouse as a present.

Jen stayed with her for a while, fell asleep, then decided to go to her own bed for some proper rest. Grace was pretty calm, so it was a no brainer.

I was dispatched to her room about 45 minutes before guests were to arrive to get her up. It had been pretty quiet up there for a while, so perhaps she did fall asleep.

When I opened the door I was greeted by a look of total and utter mischievous guilt. In her right hand was a Red Sharpie. She had been a busy girl.

Both of her legs were covered (and I mean COVERED) with Pollockian lines & splotches. Her stomach had not been spared either. She managed to cover the inside of her bellybutton as well. The arms weren't too bad & she had applied some sharpie eyeliner & rouge, not to mention a small botched hair dye job.

I won't go into any detail about the duvet cover, her bed sheets, some of her new dollhouse furniture & a section of the wide plank pine floors that got a makeover.

My first question to her was "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SHARPIE????" He reply was defensive, but to the point: "From Auntie Jen," as if that made it all okay. A horrified Jennifer realized that it had fallen out of her pocket when she fell asleep in Grace's room, however briefly. Instantly, she (Grace, but also possibly Jennifer, I am not sure) sensed my anger, and she burst into floods of tears & that kind of early child sobbing that makes you wish you never raised your voice.

A quick call to the Sharpie corporation for advice (the party was only 30 minutes away now) yielded little help, so we just threw her into the bath. By this time she had calmed down enough for me to give her the bath (poor Auntie Jen, now certainly traumatized herself had started the bath as a kind of penance but promptly splashed soap into Grace's eyes. Cue the sobbing anew) & I scrubbed hard enough to give her a couple of bruises.

She wore long pants to the party. And at one point, she took off her trousers (and underwear as well), ran onto the porch with a whole piece of chocolate cake on a fork & exclaimed "CHOCOLATE!!" in a feral sort of voice.

How was your weekend?

Monday, July 02, 2007

As Expected

Leave it to President Bush to create sympathy for Paris Hilton, but she just spent a shitload more jail time than Scooter Libby ever will.

Rome (final days version), here we come.